The Doll That Watched Me

I was in second grade when we had to move. My dad's business didn't work out because the IMF hit Korea around that time, so we went to live with my grandparents. It was a three-bedroom place — not small, but not big either. They gave me and my parents each a room.

The hardest part wasn't living with my grandparents. It was changing schools. Saying goodbye to my neighborhood friends. We used to play hide and seek everywhere — the parking lot, the playground, someone's home. I don't remember the exact moment of goodbye.

But I do remember writing a letter to the principal of my old school. I thought maybe he would help my dad, or block me from moving to another school. I really thought it might work. I actually sent that letter, and the principal called my parents to compliment me. My grandma used to talk about it.

My parents gave me a giant Barbie doll for my birthday. I loved it at first. My room had everything I needed — books, a desktop my dad brought home, the doll. It was my space.

Then a friend came to visit and told me the doll was moving. That scared the shit out of me. I think Chucky, that scary movie, had just come out around that time, so it's completely understandable now that I think about it. But it totally changed how I saw that doll.

I couldn't tell my parents I was scared, because I thought it would revenge me or something. So it just stayed there in my room, watching me. My mom eventually noticed I didn't play with it anymore and threw it away. But that took at least a year. A whole year with a doll I thought might come alive.

My parents had to go out to work to make money, so I was home with my grandparents during the day. That was a big change — my mom used to always be at home with me.

There was some conflict between my grandparents and my parents. I could hear my grandma swearing something bad about my parents. I don't remember exactly what. And my grandparents had conflict with each other too. I remember my grandma holding a knife and chasing my grandfather to his car. I think I was just staying in my room when things like that happened.

But she was also a happy person. She would sing often at home. She'd bring me snacks and hang out with other grandmas at some community center for elders. She was chill when things were calm. She was nice to me — she'd bring me to her community center sometimes. But after hearing her swear about my parents, as a kid it was really hard. I kind of got resentment towards her.